Still Moving

I have NOT been neglecting my internet duties. I feel like I've been on punishment cuz I have not had a stable internet connection in over a month. I'm at school now about to head to class.

I have so much that is going on right now. I lost my job at Denny's cuz I cursed out the manager for accusing me of stealing AGAIN. So I have been everyday getting up looking for more restaurant jobs but haven't gotten hired yet.

I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and you can never really LOSE something unless its time for you to receive more. I'm open to receiving more but when I look around me...I can't see how the hell that could happen.

The crazy thing is...

I'm experiencing the best case scenario of KARMA that I can remember in a LONG time. It's this guy I've been vibing...

Dude... Like..For real...this man reminds me of me so much in the way that he takes care of me. Like, I don't have to THINK, he thinks for me. Like, he anticipates my needs in a way that no man has ever done. He treats me like I treat other people.

If I were to sit here and write out all that I've experienced you'd probably be like, "So what" But believe ME- I do NOT get treatment like that from men at all.

When I'm with this man, I feel like I'm a part of a team. He tells me I'm beautiful. He cooks for me. I have been sleeping at his place because he doesn't like the fact that I don't have a bed at mine. And get this...when I sleep over, he sleeps on the couch. He's not even trying to fuck. He just likes being around me.

I get no complaints at all. I'm not too this or too that. I don't know how to take all of this. I don't have fears about him because I'm not emotionally attached to him, but I do wish I could do more to thank him for being there for me. He rides with me to look for jobs and when I needed a place to live he went with me to do that and he makes sure I have everything I need at all times.

Support...Just like my friends do. So grateful.

And...now that my lil money from Denny's is gone..he breaks me off so I can have gas and money in my pocket. He works 2 jobs so he can do that for me. I feel like...like..damn.

You mean to tell me it's not all about YOUR goals and YOUR issues? Like...if I need something you will make effort to help me get it? What? A man? Serious? That has NEVER happened. I always feel like I'm doing way more than any guy I have been friends with. I never say no when asked for help...but him...he never says no to me. In fact, I don't even have to ask because he just takes care of it all. It's so much fun doing for someone who reciprocates. I wonder how long this will last.

All I know is...because of him, I look at my past and I'm like, "Naw...I got it all wrong. What was I thinking?"

But the thing I realize is, all of my past relationships, including the one with DEEP helped me to appreciate all that he does for me. His pleasure is making sure I'm satisfied.

Shit...That's my pleasure too! LOL!

Man...I gotta head to class right now. Studying psychopathology this semester which means I'm learning how to diagnose clients with mental illnesses and label them according to the DSM-IV. It's scary because I see so much of myself in those mental illnesses...but my classmates said, "You're not alone. We see ourselves too."

Craziness...

Saturn Return Reflections

Wow...

Life surely is a trip. I've experienced things in this past week that let me know that I am truly passing through my own Saturn Return. It's a time when those people/things that are not good for you, are stripped away and you are redirected...according to astrology.

I was surprised and annoyed when my own bestfriend Tamara experienced depression in the months leading up to her 30th birthday. She expressed fear of death and fears about life and not being where she wanted to be. She longed for a soulmate and even fasted in order to call him into her life.

When my turn came to turn 30, I went through the same shit. I don't fear death at all, but I began to assess where I had grown and IF I would ever grow past the issues that had been haunting me since childhood. I studied my relationships with the men in my life and I realized that my closest relationship was not good for me although it appeared to be on the surface.

That relationship began transitioning on its own with a little help from a consistent prayer that those who are tied to me will find a replacement if they are not adding anything positive to MY life. I developed a healthier appreciation for my life long friends and a couple of old friends resurfaced to show me love once again.

Everything has been shaken loose and once again I face a time in my life where I have no idea what will happen next. For some reason, this doesnt scare me at all. I embrace it, knowing that there are treasures that will be unconvered beyond every season of transition.

I'm 30. I've done a lot but theres so much more to experience- So many new people to meet and learn from!

I look forward to interacting with people who are closer to my age group and experience level. I look forward to developing the skillset to accomplish my goals. I used to think something was seriously wrong with me, now I don't. I just haven't found my place in this world yet. Its okay.

I used to desire world wide adoration, fame and fortune. Now all of that isn't so important. my vision is back to the way it was when I was a jit; I would like to be a writer, a self help writer and counselor and travel and give seminars. I don't need to be on Oprah's level.

I now let GOOOOOO of my 20's and all the madness/strength that resulted from it. I don't run from it, I smile because of it. All that stuff was WILD but I don't regret a thing that happened.

I am so in love with my progress and my life has been well lived...so far.

It's all good.

I hope it stays that way.

Stepping Into 30

It's the 4th of July. It's hot and rainy here in Miami.

I'm chillin at my Mama's house eating bbq ribs and watching TV. hmmm...

My birthday was a crazy day. The night before I moved into my new place. This time I'm in North Miami Beach and it's exactly like my old place except internet is not included. I live with a Spanish family...again. As I sat outside late at night I promised myself that when I have my own big, beautiful home, I would always set aside a room for someone in need. I think I'll charge them rent, but only to use as a savings account for them and when they leave they can have all of their money back.

I got over 100 Happy Birthday wishes on my facebook and that made my day! I ended the day at my Mama's house watching TV with her and then I went home.

There's a new guy in my life who is supersweet to me but as usual I'm looking HARD to find something to complain about but I can't. He says all the things that I always wanted to hear but I still don't believe him.

Tamara said, "I knew it. I knew this guy wouldn't last long because he treats you too good."

That hurt my feelings.

"You are only attracted to people who hurt you," Tamara continued.

That stung even more.

I don't know.

I'm 30 now. I can not imagine what this decade will bring.

Here are a couple of my hopes...

**Join the staff of a website or a magazine with a PAID writing position.

**Publish a few books.

**Go on tour with my motivational speaking.

**Establish myself as financially secure.

**Experience a loving, healthy romantic relationship.

**Become a highly sought after television host and reporter.

Negative Energies In the Morning

I didn't cry myself to sleep last night although that is what I wanted to do. Instead, I hummed myself to sleep.

You know what? Tall people really intrigue me. Like...how does it feel to have long legs like that? How does it feel to look at the top of people's heads all the time? Must be wild.

I use this blog as an emotional depository. Anytime I'm feeling uncertain or unsure or extremely hopeful or any intense emotion, I log on and write in here. And I'm usually so honest because when I'm writing it doesn't occur to me that anyone will be reading it.

I know I sound like a baby when I say this but...I really need a hug.

I need to know someone in my physical world cares about what's going on in my life. DEEP is upset with me because I was feeling down. He says I have no reason to feel like that. He's NEVER down. I don't know how he does it, but that's how he is. I don't think he has a reason to be and he says I have no reason to be down either. He's always dissappointed in me which adds to my dissappointment in myself.

My internet connection at home is not working so I'm at Panera's trying to look for places to live. The food looks so good. Wish I could have some. I've been running the streets using all of my gas for the past 3 days doing it with no luck. I'm having problems breathing again. Sometimes I wish that shit would just stop so I can go home...wherever that is.

I bought this book by Doreen Virtue called Earth ANgels and I read it quickly. It describes how there are certain people on earth who are actualy from other planets and that is why they do not fit in here. At first I laughed at the book because it seemed obvious to my existentialist based mind that we are always searching for a reason to validate our feelings.

I took the quiz and it told me I was a Star person- a being from another planet who was sent to earth for a purpose but can not fully function in this life because of it. Then I began to read and felt sad for myself, wondering, could I really be an alien from another planet? Although that sounds ridiculous to the socialized mind, there are actually entire philosophies based around this idea.

There's a group of people called Nuwabian (sp?) who believe in aliens. I don't know. I just have fun learning about it all and laughing when I find a belief that I have never heard of before.

I wonder what it's like for people who are not like me. People who know how to manipulate others, know how to smile and fake it, people who know how to play the game. What's it like?

And I wonder if I will ever gain the tools necessary to be a success in this world. EMotionally...I don't think I have it together.

Could this be a part of the pressure I feel about turning 30 next week? I'm trying to be positive and focus on what I do have...what I've accomplished so far and what I have to look forward to but...

Yeah..I know. I suck. What a great motivational speaker I'm turning out to be.... Cant even uplift myself everyday, but as soon as my phone rings, I'll have the perfect words to soothe the soul.

If I were God, I would pick me up and beat me for days showing me every good thing I ever wanted and telling my why I couldn't have it. I AM God...and that is what I experience everyday. I do it to myself because I believe I deserve that somehow. I attach myself to men who only belittle me and tell me how I need to change. I give myself to people who would never give back to me. I torture myself by listening to stories from friends about how happy and blessed they are. I celebrate with them and then I cry to myself later wondering how I could come into existence to be hurt.

But I remember one of my notes from the universe and it said, "You are not on earth to master being alone, or master poverty or pain. You were put here to live!"

I could stress myself today about all the areas that I need to improve in...but I won't. I think I'm just...not going to do anything at all. I'm going to find a quiet place, buy a burger and sit there all day. Doing nothing about my problems and not even focusing on them. I'm gonna let it all go. ANd even if I turn 30 and everything is still the same as today...I still have to move on and breathe and live somehow. Unless I get to die soon, I still have to function in this world.

I'll figure it out.

He Just...Died On Us

I walked into class yesterday, I missed the first day of class because I got sick really quickly and was bed-ridden for 2 days. I only ate soup once and drank 2 bottles of water. It was rough.

Then I got a call from a new guyfriend who offered to be nice to me and take care of me while I was sick. I called Tamara to see what she thought about it and she said, "sure go ahead."

So I went over there and....

He was nothing but a gentleman. In fact, he treated me better than most men. He was so affectionate that I melted in his arms. My body was sore and he rubbed my back for me. All the while telling me how beautiful I am. I needed that.

But still...

I don't trust his ass. I'm sure he's plotting on me. The nicer I am to him, the more he's gonna hate me and try to hurt me. I see it all the time. These hoes be straight murdering men's spirits and then men fall in love with that. Happens all the time. But I don't wanna be like that. I wanna make my man feel like a King and I wanna serve him. For real.

Anyway...I'm looking at him cross eyed because he's already talking about how much he likes me and wants all of me. Yeah right. His plan will be unfoiled soon. I don't even have to worry about it.

But it sure did feel so good to be held...

Yeah but I went to class and this girl walks in and says, "Michael Jackson died"

I said, "That's not even funny."

My professor made a call and confirmed it. He offered a 5 minute break before beginning the 3 and a half hour lecture. I made it through but by the time I left class I was feeling so sad and nauseaus and just...out of it. I made it to the gas station on West Dixie before I pulled over and started crying. Some random man came over to me and I wanted to punch him. I'm sure he wanted to pretend to be nice so he could hurt me too.

Men...they're everywhere and they come out of the floors and ceilings like roaches, ready to pounce and devour. In my heart I want to be nice to them and help them with their goals and treat them like Kings and..usually I do. But...I always feel a ping in my heart like I'm being used and I throw them away shortly after before they can use me again.

But back to Michael...

He's gone. But not really. No one alive will ever forget him. He made history for real. And...I just don't believe that we really dissappear when we die. I think we change forms. I'm sure there will be another artist to come along and help continue the transition of music in a grand way.

Speaking of...why was I listening to the radio today and I heard some dude who sounded JUST Like Kanye...but it wasn't him? I was upset.

That affection from that man sure felt good. I'd like some more but from someone I can trust to care about me. I hope I never see that guy again.

Under The Weather

I'm sick.

It just happened two days ago. I was fine until I dropped DEEP off to his appointment and when I got home my throat was hurting. Then it got worse. Then my body started to ache. Then I started feeling like ugh all over.

So that's me- laying on my futon all day coughing and shivering. Reminds me of the time I had that UTI. Or the times when I got pregnant back in the day. I hope it goes away soon. I already missed the first day of classes and my show was canceled. But its probably a good thing, I need new tires anyway and I shouldn't be driving to South Beach with my car like that.

I can barely breathe. Maybe I've been smoking too much. I really want to treat my body better but it seems like its more expensive to eat healthier and I'm always on a gas station food and dollar value menu diet. Or I just don't eat at all trying to save the money for my kids when they come.

WHo the hell ever thought life would be this way?

My birthday is in one week and since I desperately need tires, I probably won't be able to celebrate or see my kids. Plus...I have to move by next week too. With what money? I don't know. It's time to go though.

I had an interesting conversation with Yolanda yesterday. SHe lost her signal just as it was getting really good. When I look back at her life and the things she has gone through and how things worked out so well for her, I feel better about my own life direction and I know I'll be okay. She has 5 kids and lost everything at one point and spent years rebuilding now she has a family, a family business and a husband who really supports her. One of the questions she asked was, "What is success really? Are we defining it for ourselves or are we allowing others to define it for us?"

Success for me would be to be able to take good care of myself and my sons as a result of my creative work. I don't know how that will happen. I guess I'll start working on my 2nd book, keep going with my show and I really want to do a blogtalk radio show about Black Love Stories. It encourages me to hear them and I'm sure other singles could learn a lot by listening to positive stories. I just need to figure out where I'm going to live next, get settled and start working on my projects again. I need to manifest a miracle by my birthday.

Let's see what happens.

Word Association

Too bad...

I feel horrible today. Yesterday I developed a sore throat and a body ache and I'm tired. Me and DEEP had a wonderful time on the phone last night. We were talking about random junk when he said, "Ms. Tee?"

"Hmm?" I replied.

"Penis," He stated.

"DEEP?"

"Hmm?"

"Vagina."

"Pussy," He said.

"Dick."

"Suck."

"Fuck."

"Hands."

"America."

"Obama."

We went for more than an hour straight of WORD ASSOCIATION! No other convo, just what word first pops up after you hear the last word. OVER AN HOUR of this...just laughing and then playing this silly game. When I said "Sleep" he was like, "I think that's the end of the game, Tee."

But we still talked for like 15 more minutes and finally hung up.

I love talking to him. I think I'm, just gonna enjoy what it is cuz it's beautiful to me. And he is. And I'm glad I made a friend.

The weather is very bad here. Well, its rainy. Last time it looked like this, my show was canceled. I hope I know the status BEFORE I drive all the way to South Beach this afternoon. Plus, my 2nd semester of summer school starts today. Ughh...

The Word for today is: Vitamin C

Moving Along

I feel so good right now.

I know I haven't been updating and I realize that I used to use my blog as my main companion and now I actually have a real person in my life to share with. When I'm talking to him, I don't think about blogging at all. I'm sorry.

I kinda miss telling stories though. But I'm for real....you do NOT wanna hear the crazy ass emotional ass ride that I've been going on with DEEP. And it's all in my head. I make the situation stressful because there are certain things I expect a man to do and DEEP is like, "We're friends. Stop placing your expectations on me. Kill your desires."

Our relationship has changed so much. I feel so crazy even writing about this because I hope that one day I won't have to log on to my blog and go skimming through the archives and say, "Wow, remember that guy DEEP I used to do everything with?"

I'm not afraid of losing him. I am used to overcoming a loss. That's not the issue, the issue is what will I do with him if he stays. I am not used to having a male companion that I am attracted to. Like..how does that work? If he leaves, I'll be relieved because I sometimes believe that I secretly want to prove to myself that I am unloveable. But it's hard when you have someone who enjoys your company and won't walk away and he wants to be your friend but you are attracted to him and want a certain kind of attenion...

I mean, you spend so much time together that there's no way you could even date anyone else. You feel like you're brother and sister and argue like siblings. You're a pair. You're the first one the other person calls with ANY news...You've stood outside the door of the bathroom talking while the other person is using it. Shared a bath towel. And then there's that time you accidently sleep together. And wake up like...Whoa...

I know.... I got mad at him because he told some girl he met on twitter that she was beautiful. Man...I flipped for real on his ass. So emotional. I feel sorry for that man. He handled it well though. So now we're not even following each other on twitter. I blocked his ass cuz I don't wanna see that flirting shit! I am so jealous and I don't know why and that is NOT me.

But we're still friends on facebook.

I know this post is long and mainly about DEEP but I'm sorry, I just write what's on my mind and usually...it's him intermingled with my daily activities.

I ain't saying we are together in the romantic sense but I like what we have. Today I decided not to focus on him as a person so much and try to focus on the qualities I like about him.

If I constantly remind myself WHY I like him, it will attract more people with those qualities. I would love to experience the next phase AFTER what DEEP and I have experienced together. I would love to meet someone like him or BETTER to go deeper with.

I am fearful when I spend too much time with him. He has gotten to see ALL of me. The ME that nobody, not even my kids get to see. And he still sitting right there. I keep waiting for him to get disgusted and walk away. He fights for our friendship, literally battles with me when I tell him to leave me alone because I'm too scared to stay friends with him.

Our relationship has changed so much. I've never gotten this far with any man before. Wait...my Baby Daddy. Oh yeah. But honestly, we broke up in 2001 for the last time and I don't really remember our relationship like that. Like, I have memories of stuff we did but they hold no emotion attached to them. I don't feel any kind of way about him anymore. Not good or bad- just indifferent.

I actually got to see him the other day. I dropped off the boys to their new house and he was standing outside. I looked him up and down just curious to see what he looks like now.

He looks the same. Black as ever. He is doing this goatee type thing with his beard and I like it. I think he looks handsome. I laughed as I watched him standing there. Was I really WITH this man? For real? Wow. We used to have a life together. It seems like a dream.

I'm so different than I was when I was with him. I have gone through so many fears. I developed most of them when I was with him, but I have overcome so many.

Man...I'm rambling but I needed this because I haven't really had internet at my house for WEEKS. I Was struggling with my internet fix.

Aww...You know what my sons did the other night? After they took showers I rubbed them both down with lotion and then my sons gave ME a back massage. It felt so nice. Those little hands were just chopping and squeezing away. That made me feel good.

And then...my son saw a dress that he'd never seen before.

"Mommy, try this on."

I laughed. "Why baby?"

"I wanna see you in it."

I put the dress on and he stood behind me to zip me up. After he did he said, "You should wear this today. You look good Mama."

I was CHEESING!

My baby made me feel so good!

"Wow!" I said, "You guys make me feel like I'm so pretty!"

"That's because you are," my son told me.

Awwwww.....

I wish I could get this kind of treatment all the time!