Still adjusting.

It's taking me a minute to adjust to being back home with my parents. It's quite a difference since I have had my own place for the past 6 years but there's no way that I would go back to Gainesville though I do miss my apartment. It was roomy, quiet and the AC was so cool. I miss that the most, it's so hot down here.

I also miss having my sons on a bedtime schedule. They are still awake and it's almost 10pm, it wouldnt have happened if we were in my old apt. By 8pm they were in the bed, lights off and falling asleep. Here, there are lots of other people in the house which distracts them and my Mama is so sensitive to their crying that she always checks up on them whereas I would let them cry and whine themselves to sleep.

This weekend was very chill. Although a lot of my friends were in town I didnt go out at all. I haven't been feeling well. Headaches, toothe aches, tummy aches and my side even aches. I know I need to see a doctor, I rarely ever do that because I'm so busy taking time off to take my sons that I don't want to waste time for myself. In fact, I havent been to the doctor for myself since I had my son nearly two years ago. Dang.

I can't go to the doctor now. I have no insurance. So, if things get really bad I'll have to figure something out.

My friends got on my nerves this weekend. It's like they don't respect me when I say No. And it's not like I am a wimpy person, I say no with authority, but somehow they feel like if they argue with me enough I will give in. It just makes me more obstinate about whatever they are requesting and I'm more likely to get upset if they don't leave me alone.

I told them that I wasn't going to South Beach with them because a) I don't have anything to wear. b) I don't have any money. c) I'm not feeling well. But they all gang up on me, fussing at me cuz they want me to go. I'm like, "Ya'll betta watch it."

My Mama even joined in the fun when I got home. She says I need to go out more and enjoy life. She is complaining that i don't go out enough. Man, it's all about perception. I'm not a club person. I don't hang out with just anyone and everyone, I'm very selective. I don't date either so it's not like I am going to be hanging out with guys. I like to write and hang out one on one with my closest girls. A fun time for me is a trip to the bookstore to read. And when my kids are gone away from the house, I like to be home enjoying the peace and quiet.

Just because my concept of fun doesnt line up with yours doesnt mean I am not enjoying myself. It's not like I ever complain to anyone that I am bored, but I guess when they see me just sitting up in the house writing they think I'm acting like an old lady.

Sometimes I feel like an old lady though I'm only 24. Two kids will make you grow up fast and going out and meeting guys or hanging out to a club or a bar seems childish to me.

I'm still dealing with breaking away from my church in Gainesville. Before I felt as though by being there I could not miss God's best for my life as long as I did everything my Pastors told me to do. So leaving there was like walking away from the safety of being under their guidance. I know that God will not forsake me and even though I may be struggling a bit right now I don't regret leaving at all.

There's nothing like being able to drive over to Anna's house for a quick visit. I can call Marsha up to have breakfast or I can chill with Racole on the phone for hours for FREE.

I'm also looking to join a young professional's society. I need to meet more people who are headed in the same direction as I am. Let me check around to see where I can fit in.

Toodles.

I saw a dead body yesterday.

I was riding up 17th with my aunt when I noticed the familiar flicker of the yellow police tape in the wind. My aunt shook her head and told me that a young chico had been shot 5 times on the corner of 111th in broad daylight.

We looked through the crowd of people and saw his body lieing on the street beneath a grey sheet.

"That street got to be hot!" My aunt remarked. "They got him lieing on the street in this hot sun all day!"

As our car pulled away I peered through the back window at the growing mob surrounding the scene.

Welcome to Miami.

Pretty revealing day all around.

I guess I was pissed about fatherhood again today. Show me an all around wonderful father and I'll give you a dollar. My baby daddy really tried me yesterday. I have the feeling he had "company" when I called him because he knows he dont talk to me like that on a regular basis, he sound like he was showing off.

But whatever. I can take it, at least he's not as bad as he used to be. Or maybe I just dont care as much.

Just being here and talking to the people here in Miami is discouraging. Most everyone feels hopeless and wants to leave. Everyone points the finger at every other race as the cause of their problems and the funny thing is, there are no white people in Miami.

So we got this intense racial discord between the blacks and the Hispanics. Blacks consider the Hispanics to be crackers now.
"Them Cubans taking over everything!" all the blacks are screaming.

Man oh man. I came to Miami full of hope and excitement and a vision to uplift people. But who would want to listen to me? This city really needs it. No, what they really need is Jesus. Im going into intense prayer for the entire city of Miami. They are hurting and they dont even know why. They have a void that only God can fill.

God, more than money, I want to see these people be fulfilled in you. I want to be ompletely fulfilled in you. Move in this city like a might hurricane. I won't give up in despair. You sent me here for a purpose. No matter what today looks like, Im going to focus on what you will have for me to do. Send me to that church home where you will have me to grow. Send me those relationships that you have ordained to help me serve the people. Use me Lord. Let me tell the world about you. I'm scared Lord, its a big task.

But nothing is bigger than you.

This afternoon I took my lunchbreak and went over to Hadley Park and relaxed a minute.

It was truly a time of reflection as the memories of my childhood flooded my mind.

I remember growing up in Liberty City and going to Hadley Park to play. I remember when Hurricane Andrew hit Miami and we drove through the neighborhood to see the damage. Hadley Park, whose trees were so huge that you could park a car behind a single tree
and it would be hidden, was now filled with skinny little anorexic trees. Hurricane Andrew had demolished them all, leaving huge tree trunks, ripped from the ground by the roots and scattered everywhere.

Despite the loss of human life and the devastation to so many homes across Dade County, the experience of Hurricane Andrew was an exciting one for a skinny 13 year old and her friends. The start of school was postponed due to the crisis and there was no electricity for days. I remember everyone taking out their grills and barbecuing everything they could find to eat. We had to take cold baths and read by candlelight, our clothes sticking to our bodies due to the extreme heat of the summer.

It was wild living in Liberty City. They called our neighborhood Gun Shot City, my street was ran by the John Doe boys who shouted, "John Doe, John Doe, weed, base and blow. Walk by, drive by you don't get high!" to cars passing by.

In elementary school we knew something was wrong when we saw our Mama walking down the street to walk us home. She would greet us and then have us take a different route home due to an ongoing gun fight between the boys on the block. When we first moved in that neighborhood I remember us spending many nights sleeping on the floor. We had a first floor apartment which made us vulnerable to the stray bullets that peppered the night sky.

For some reason I never got caught up in the drama. The street life never appealed to me. I was too busy visiting the library checking out as many books as I could so I could dissappear into my room with a glass of kool-aid and some cookies and read until my mind couldn't store anymore images of young girls whose problems were as devastating as the cute boy at school who didn't notice them.

By reading so many books, I created a reality for myself. I began to think that the characters in these books were my role models and that life consisted of being the most popular girl in school and going away to college to become something great.

Those books by Judy Blume, Beverly Cleary and Betsy Haynes shaped the person that I am today. I learned from them what kind of person people liked to be around. What made some girls popular and what made others hated and I likened myself to the popular nice girls.

Although we lived in low income housing I always thought I was well-off. I never had to ask for anything twice. I always had new outfits for every occassion and my hair was always done. Even though they didnt know it, my parents were teaching me that if I was obedient and worked hard I could have anything that I wanted.

I was never extravagant. I didn't own a name brand purse until recently but I had the best in my eyes. I always did what my parents told me to do because I knew that if I did, they wouldn't say no to me. I began to dream far beyond my neighborhood limits, applying my reality to the entire world. I believed that if there was anything in this world that i wanted I could have it if I tried. I believed I was going to have the best because no one was any better than me.

If Oprah could be a star and have a talk show, so could I. If Maya Angelou could inspire millions with her writing so could I. What seperates the successful people from the people who sit back and dream is the ability to go out and do something about their dreams.

I may not be a baller right now but I have made up my mind that I will be ballin one day. I may not be getting paid millions to speak, but one day I will fill entire stadiums filled with people who need an encouraging word.

How can I dream so big? Why not? Any other successful person is just the same as me, they had to start somewhere.

The only question is how will my story unfold?

Afro Update

Well, I have been happily nappy for about a year and a half now. I used to wear my hair so short I couldnt even pinch it but now I have decided to grow it out like Thelma from 'Good Times'. It's not working.

My hair is so nappy and so thick I can't even comb it unless it's wet. But when I pick it out it does look nice so I look like a nice young woman until it dries up again and I start looking like a nappy headed freak.

I like my naps though. Sometimes I let it go nappy without combing it as a protest against the norm, or, maybe I'm just lazy.

I like the contrast in my looks, me always one to rage against the people who say I'm the next best thing to a white person since I'm fair skinned and I have green eyes. I'm not white! I am a nappy headed black girl from the City, Liberty City.

I can't fight, but I look like I can. I'm rough, in spirit.

So, now my nappfro is about 2 inches high. I hope it grows longer because I'm so tempted to cut it all off again and be bald headed. I loved that look, it was so easy to maintain and oh so chic.

I'm hoping for an afro that is long enough that I can wear afro puffs and do cool ethnic styles like braids in the front and puffs in the back and then wear head wraps and scarves and pretty bows to accent my outfits. I have a vision for my hair and if I can be patient, I will see it come to pass.

Visit one of the websites that helped me through my first few months of nappyness. Nappturality.com

I'm happier now that I am natural. I feel like I can get a perm and then cut it off and wear some weave or a wig or whatever. I'm not limited in my options now that I know I look good with anything.

But I think I will stick with my nappfro for a while.

Yep, I write almost everyday. I have to. I can't NOT write. It's what I do. You know you love it!

Today was the first day in seven weeks that I had some time away from my sons. I really needed it too. Their paternal grandmother picked them up for church and they didn't come home until 6pm. So I was able to get a good nap before I heard the knock at the door announcing their arrival.

I went to the grocery store before church and I didnt even have to think twice about the route I would take. I'm learning, I'm learning.

I went to church with my baby mama Racole and I flipped out over the role she plays in this church. Racole truly has a servants heart in her church. Homegirl was leading praise and worship, put the mike down and played the drums, put the drums down and was working the speaker system and still gave the scriptural reading for the day. And she wonders why people get upset when she goes away for a weekend, homegirl runs that church! I wouldnt want her to leave either.

She takes ownership of her duties. I respect her so much because she doesnt wait for someone to tell her what to do. She sees a need and she fills it.

You don't have to wait until someone else tells you to serve. You dont have to wait for God to speak a word to your heart. The need is the call.

If you see a need and you can do something about it then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Don't just sit up and complain and talk about the problem, SOLVE the problem or make an effort to find someone who can.

I love you so much. You have no idea. You are already a part of me.

Today was a beautiful day in the MIA.

The sun was shining and it wasn't too hot to go outside so this morning I packed up my sons and went to the beach. I wasn't worried about them trying to get in the water, they are very cautious and it was a good thing because the rip tides are pulling people under left and right down here. We just ran along the shore and played in the sand while the water kissed out toes.

By the time we got home they were both good and tired so I gave them lunch and messed around and gave them some icecream. I shouldn't have done that. I had planned to go to a beach party with my friend Andy but my mama told me I couldnt go anywhere until the boys were down for their nap and all that sugar I gave them had them buzzed. Lesson learned: No more icecream before a nap.

After their nap we went to visit my friend Marsha and had a good time. It was just beautiful to sit and watch the boys play while I chilled out and chatted with my homegirl. Dang, it's the little things that make life happy.

Just as we were about to leave Marsha's mom comes out and says, "Now don't you go having sex with anyone down here in Miami, they all have AIDS."

Dang, what a way to say goodbye. It's not like I plan to have sex but I haven't taken an HIV test in a while and I always worry about that. I'm not promiscous anymore but there are always those haunting memories of those times when I should have been more careful.

But what can I do now but wait and see. I'm a worrier. I worry a lot about my past mistakes and those risky behaviors cause me to lose sleep at night. Damn, I wish I wasn't such a hoe back in the day.

Even since I've been in Christ I havent been sleeping around. But the funny thing is, when I have had sex in the past since coming to Christ I feel a lot worse because it is always a one night stand. It's not like I'm fighting sexual temptation on a daily basis because I dont have a man or a "friend with benefits" but those times I just wanted some affection led to me having sex and I never speak to the guy again because I dont want to have an opportunity to mess up again. So it becomes a one night stand.

I lost a good friend over sex. I refuse to be friends again knowing that we already crossed that line because I dont want to make the same mistake.

But since I have been down here everyone is talking about AIDS and its scaring the mess out of me. I have seen several people that I know who have it and the rumors are that there are so many more that you dont even know about.

I dont have a desire for a new man or anything but that doesnt erase my past mistakes.

As soon as things are settled with my job and the boys school and my car I'm going to take another test. Maybe God will grant me a clean slate. If not, it'll only be my own fault. Even though God forgives we still have to face the consequences of our actions.

I'm scared, but I have to know, because not knowing hurts just as much.

Get tested for your peace of mind.

I love my job. Yeah, it doesn't really pay well but the feeling I get when I come to work makes up for the paycheck. I feel calued. I feel needed. I feel like I have some expertise and most importantly I feel like I'm using my gift.

Man, my heart is filled with so much warmth right now that even if the publisher comes in and goes off, (she's a wild one!)I wouldn't care cuz I love being here. I work with all black people. They remind me of my family, they are so wild! I love them! Today we are having a birthday party for all of the March- May birthdays and they are ordering up some crab and rice, macaroni & cheese, collard greens, potatoe salad, baked fish and fried chicken. Wow.

I remember at my old office we had a pot luck and I was going around the buffet table thinking, "What the heck is this?" I didnt even recognize any of that stuff they brought in.

I have a whole HOUR for my lunchbreak and I can go anywhere I want to and yesterday I went over to my friend Andy’s school where he teaches fifth grade and I hung out with him in his class. We ate those big cafeteria cookies! Remember those? It was so good.

Today I was gonna go over to Anna's school, she teaches 3rd grade I think, but it looks like I can't since we're having a party.

Right now, I'm working on a project for a national association of black newspapers. My publisher has to draft a set of ethical standards and guidelines that the association will be run by. She passed the project on to me to get started and I have to write all that professional lingo and sound smart and stuff as I explain why having a set of guidelines is important in newspapers and just what these guidelines are. I have to create everything from scratch. I love it!

I’m also working in marketing and sales. Since there was no real sales team until a few weeks ago, I have to start from scratch by creating a media kit and creating the protocol for the sales team. I called on the expertise of my friends Ruby, Rick and Polly for this one. I was a magazine journalism major and they are the advertising and sales experts. Ruby got her degree in advertising, Rick makes lots of loot in sales and Polly is the former director of corporate support for WUFT-TV/FM, I used to be her personal assistant.

I got great pointers from each of them and I believe I can get a good start. I am a little nervous about sales though. I mean, I always thought I would just dazzle the people with my great writing and get money thrown at me. But this is not gonna be like that, but its my chance to learn a new skill. Can I be a super salesperson?

My column
We've been receiving some responses from the community about our column. Basically, we debate each other on topics of interest and so far Hansen presents the radical, controversial side while I present the grounded, spiritual, calm your nerves side. It's so much fun, but it is very challenging. When he sends me his column it takes me a while to write my response. I always get nervous and freeze up and worry about if I have something intelligent to say. But every time I hit it just right.

Oh yeah, my second column was about letting go of the pursuit of a relationship and pursuing your purpose. Once you focus on your purpose you will meet others who share the same purpose and then you will be united with someone based on interest instead of physical attraction. Makes sense? Yeah. Instead of going out with someone cause they bought you a drink, you can eliminate the whole process of having to see if you have something in common because you will have met that person while you were pursuing your purpose which means more than likely they will have the same purpose as you do.

In a nutshell, line yourself up with God’s purpose for your life and watch as the pursuit of your passion produces a perfect match.

Lord, help me take all this to heart for myself, cuz I sho'll be like, dang when this nicca gonna act right and bring his behind on ova here? SHOOOOT, cuz a sista need some love too. LOL

Remember when Will Smith sang that song? "Welcome to Miami, Bienvenido a Miami"?

Well, all that mess he was singing about ain't in Miami. $100,000 cars? Yeah right. Everybody got a putt-putt or a Monte Carlo. And no matter what kind of car people are driving, they ALL got nice rims. Thats crazy! Picture an old delapidated 81 Toyota Corolla; it will have nice big spinning rims on it!

Everyone dresses in such bright colors and always color coordinated. If there are three colors in a guys shirt his sneakers have the exact same three colors in them.

Whats different is that there are so many hispanics now. Like my mama lives in Opa Locka and before I left for college there werent any Hispanics on the block, now there are only a few black families. The flea market, you know USA over on 27th, man its been taken over by fly papi's and mami's. I took my boys over there to get a haircut and I was so shocked, the chico's even have their own baber shop.

What a lovely site! Me gusta los chicos.

Driving around Miami is wild! Everything is so far away. In G-ville, I went to Walmart everyday to enjoy the low prices. When I got here I looked at my lil sister crazy because she wanted to go to Eckerd and buy something. Everyone knows that Eckerd has higher prices than Walmart. I never shop there. But when I got in the car to find Walmart I almost fell asleep at the wheel.

The nearest Walmart is far as HELL! It's the super Walmart in Hialeah. That thing was beautiful but it was packed with people. I was able to get my diapers and wipes and roll out with no problem though.

I've been hanging out with Anna lately. It's weird because I left Miami when I was 18 and before that we were on lock down so we never really had a chance to hang out as adults. So, it's like we're getting to know each other all over again. Although our bond is strong, she has other people that she actually HANGS out with and she has her own interests. And she kinda made me mad by saying that she was scared to take me out with her.

Ok, OK. I am kinda particular about where I go and who I hang out with. Ok, I'm VERY particular, but I dont want to make my girl uncomfortable. I just like to have control of the situation I am in. People say I act like I am the super diva of the world. Man, Im trying to be better. Last night, (A WEEK NIGHT YAY!) we (Anna, her friends and I) went out to Applebees in Pembroke Pines for some Bahama Mama's and then on to this low-key pool hall for a few games.

It was really cool. Her friends seem nice but I'm not really into letting people into my personal space lately. I mean, if we click from jump then cool, but all that 'TRY, TRY, FORCE YOURSELF to become friends' mess that I was advised to do back in G-ville, I'm not EVER gonna do that again. I'm not in bondage anymore. I can like who I want to like and hang out with who I want to hang out with and there's nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, I'm keeping it on the down low because it took so long but I got the job as the publisher's assistant at the newspaper. She hired me yesterday. The pay sucks but the opportunity is great and I'm believing God for an increase or a change in my position soon. No big deal unless I make it one.

The big difference between this job and the last one is that the last office was all-white and this office is all-black. These ladies are off the chain! I just stay to myself cuz I really dont know what to say. Plus, I work in a different part of the office from everyone, my office is next to the publisher's behind a locked door and everyone else is in the main part of the building. I love these ladies. I love their eye rolling and fighting and cursing at each other and their tattoos and their hair styles. I love black people.

Oh yeah, Memorial Weekend is coming up in two weeks. Lots of friends are getting ready because Memorial Weekend in Miami is crazy! I'm not really into all the club stuff but I will definately take a stroll on South Beach to do some people watching.

I have a social life. It's amazing.

later.

Wow. You guys I am usually a very articulate person but mere words can not decribe how happy I am right now.

I am deliriously happy! I'm so happy to be living with my parents again. I'm so happy to be able to see my cousins and get to know their children. I am so happy that I have so much family around me and everyone wants to love on me and my sons. I never felt so loved before. I never felt like I belonged like this before.

Remember how afraid I was about moving? Well, right now I have so much joy and peace its amazing.

If you're trying to hear from God follow your peace. It really really works! No more bondage for me.

Whew.. I've been pretty busy but enjoying myself nonetheless.

I didnt want to come down here and totally stop going to church so I made up my mind that I will keep visiting churches until I find a place to join.

I called my friend Dianna who picked me up on Sunday morning- FIRST STOP- New Birth Missionary Baptist Church.

I wasn't really expecting anything powerful because I knew that this church was huge but my girl said she loved the word and everytime my friend Mimi visited Miami she attended church there and was spiritually fed. The fact that it is only two blocks away from my house made it more appealing.

I looked around and smiled at all of the chocolate faces. Nice to see a room full of beautiful black people. The worship service began and the choir sang and the dancers danced and the announcers made announcements. I was looking at my watch thinking, "Dang, it's taking a long time to get to the word." I was hungry for it. I wanted a word from the Lord.

But oh was it worth the wait! When the man of God stepped onto that platform and began to speak I got shivers. God's presence was very strong. My first day out and God blessed me with a might good word.

You know what else? My boys LOVE it here! They learned what the word cousin means and all day everyday they ask me to take them to see their cousins so they can play with them. We actually have family! This is something I'm not used to. Up in G-ville, it was just me and my boys everyday. What a blessing family is! This is unreal.

Last night I left and hung out with Anna until 12:30am. My mama watched the boys and was delighted to do it. DELIGHTED! I went out and hung out with my friend. Someone else watched my kids. It wasn't an emergency either. It was for pleasure. That's unbelievable.

Today I got blessed with new rims for my car and new tires all for $225 and I remember I'm flat broke! I know, I can't believe it either. I keep thinking that something weird is going on here. I'm having a hard time accepting that God is blessing me so much. I didnt really do anything to deserve it.

The only thing left is to get a good job. And I'm not stressed about that at all. I know it's coming. This lady at the Miami Times is taking her time bringing me on...I dont know why. I just have to chill and wait. I still have my column.

Actually my column is due tomorrow. I have a writing partner who writes his own column about a topic, then he sends it to me and I counter it. It's like a debate; he presents one side, I present the other. When I spoke with him after our debut columns he said it was unanimous, everyone thought I "whooped his azz". So he promised to bring his A-game next time. Child please, he ain't ready!

This man just emailed me this week's topic and I'm flabbergasted. Why did he write about why he prefers dating white women over black women? Man....I have to be eloquent without showing my ghetto side. I have to represent Christ and bring unity and not discord. But child please, this nicca CRAZY!

I'll have to think hard about this one. It'll come to me in the wee hours of the night. I'll try to figure out a way to allow you all to be able to read both of our columns, either by me scanning them or whatever. I'll see.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Live from Miami, Florida

And five hours later she arrives in Miami, tired but excited to drive her new car and settle into her new home.

How can a five hour drive seem to put me in a place that seems worlds apart from where I have come from? I know that less than 24 hours ago I was in Gainesville eating icecream with Mimi, while I cried my eyes out and proclaimed my hopes for the future. Now, that moment seems so far away. Like it happened years ago instead of last night.

On my last night in Gainesville I got my lil brother to watch my sons while I went to church to say goodbye to the people I knew. As I stood in the back of my last college service I surveyed the crowd and noticed that most of the people there were there before I came. They had all made our church their home and our members their family. I couldnt imagine any of them ever leaving and until 4 weeks ago, I couldnt imagine myself leaving either.

My church was a cool place to be. There was no strut your stuff agenda at my church. It was really about receiving from God and loving each other like brothers and sisters. No one cared who was best dressed or who drove the nicest car. No pressure to look nicer than anyone else. I could show up precise one day and then the next day come rugged with no makeup and a baseball cap. I would probably get teased a little but I wasn't judged for it.

So I tearfully said my goodbyes one by one before it was time for me to go. Then it actually happened, I came face to face with the man I held so close to my heart for almost two years, but never said a word to him about it. I had to say goodbye to him too.

With a hearty hug and a promise to keep in touch, I now have closure. I have a peace. Whatever will be will be. It's not up to me. It's up to God anyway so there's no use worrying myself over it.

And right now I dont have time to worry about it because sister girl doesnt have a real JOB! Im trying to calm my panicky heart, but from up there in Gainesville, sitting in my own crib, eating good and burning up the unlimited long distance it was much easier to say I TRUST GOD.

I wish I could just flash an empty wallet like Stacey Dash did in the All Falls Down video with Kanye West and have a wad of cash pressed into my empty palm. DAMN THOSE VIDEOS!

I spent my last 60 bucks on groceries today and my lil sis gave me some spending money which I will use to buy diapers and register the boys for daycare. I know its natural to have a little anxiety when you're in a situation where you can't see how you're gonna make it through, but man, I got the shakes.

I'm scared. I am. But at least I'm not alone. My parents got my back and most importantly God has my back. He's not going to lead me here without provision for my vision. Everything in my heart WILL come to pass. I WILL write, speak and uplift. Today is just the beginning step.

Once I get over this fear I can step up and claim what is mine.

Ahhhhh... I feel so much better. Boy I tell you, more than just an interesting story for you to read, for me writing is like virtual therapy.

Well I just got in from picking my boys up from daycare and as we're eating popsicles my 3 year old son starts to recite his colors and what each one means.

"Red means stop. Red means hot.
Green means go.
Blue means cold."

"Mama, what does white mean?"
I hesitate a minute. "White means clean." I say timidly.
"What does black mean?" he asks trying to find a correlation.

"Black means..........."

Damn.

"Let's go sit down and eat our popsicles," I say and he forgets his question, for now.

You know...things get really serious when you take down your pictures.

I'm sitting here looking at my life being stashed away in boxes. I'm getting rid of a lot of things. Packing things away to be dealt with at another time. But there's something about bare walls that truly signals a departure.

Before I leave there are a few things I must do. I mean, besides turn off my utility and phone and clean out the fridge. Before I leave I must search my life's attic and clear out some cobwebs so I can peacefully make my journey on to the next stage.

I have complete peace about going down. Everything I'm missing here is waiting for me: friends, family and the opportunity to be a writer. However, there are still some places of unrest in my heart and I must get some closure before I go.

The only thing is, what kind of closure awaits me? You ever feel like you want an answer to a question in your heart, but you don't know exactly what kind of answer that you want? Or for that matter, is receiving your answer really the best thing? Maybe some things are better left unkown. That way you won't have to deal with the answer not being the one you expected to hear.

One more day in Gainesville. Shutting it down.

Who's Out There?

Hey. I see you. I know everytime you stop by. I wonder why you never say anything or let your presence be known. I share with you my intimate thoughts and you allow me into your being without giving anything back.

They call people like you lurkers. You visit my spot daily, snooping but never say Hi.

Does my sassiness intrigue you? Are you enamored by my words? Are you afraid to leave your mark thinking that I won't find you as appealing? There's nothing to worry about my friend. If you can relate to anything that I write then there is an obvious connection between us. I'm very open and friendly.

Say Hi. Share your story. I would really love to hear it.

Hey!

I'm in the process of giving all this stuff away. Mostly kids clothes and accessories, Goodwill is gonna be so lucky!

I also have to get my old car fixed so I can drive it down to Miami on Saturday. My little brother is going to ride behind me so I can take more stuff down. I dont have as much stuff as I thought. After throwing things away I realize that the majority is all of our clothes and the kids toys. Not too much to pack up.

I was chatting with Anna tonight because I realized that my real name is all over this internet. But I'm cool about it because there is no real personal info and I have to realize that by writing and speaking I am going to live a very public life so I have to get used to people knowing who I am.

She suggested I use an alias but I want to use my real name as my professional name. I LOVE MY NAME!

I think that when I get married to my man Nick Cannon, I'll change my last name to his, but still use my maiden name as my professional name. I think he'll be cool with that and he can call me Mrs. Cannon behind closed doors.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying this time off. I had no idea how much I would appreciate it. That job really tore at my spirits. It had me feeling like life was gonna suck forever. But it's not, I just had to step out on faith and I can't wait to see what will happen with my writing.

The newspaper accepted my first column for publication. In the middle of writing it I had to stop and praise God because I couldnt believe that I was FINALLY doing something with my gift. I almost cried because I feel like God is really going to use my writing to touch so many people.

I wrote about how true fathers could break the cycle of teenage pregnancy. I believe that it is one the best pieces that I have ever written. I gained so much wisdom about the importance of family from my church here and I know I will share all of this wisdom with the city of Miami and eventually the world.

The column will be officially published on Wednesday and I will post it here so you can read it.

I hope everyone is feeling as good as I am, because right now I'm just feeling peace.

Happy Mother's Day!

I'm so excited I stayed up until midnight so I can celebrate. I know, I'm a geek, but Mother's Day really excites me even more than my birthday because everyone has a birthday but not everyone is a mother.

Motherhood is blissful. I don't regret it for a minute. In fact, I have to calm myself down because when I look at my two boys I want more. But with no contenders for the husband position, it's gonna be a while, and that's okay.

My younger son made me a card with his scribbles and handprints. My older son made me a flower pot and he thinks its his. It has some seeds in soil and he wants to water it everyday. He's so adorable.

I can't explain how much my boys mean to me. Sometimes I'll ask them, "What's your mama's name?" just to hear them say, "Mama."

I'm their one and only Mama and they fight for the treasured honor of sitting on my lap every single day. They are very good boys, I'm blessed I know. If it wasnt for God making them that way I wouldnt have gotten through school like I did. They are very obedient and vibrant and they have cute personalities just like their Mama.

My only wish is that they grow to be young men who respect and love God. I plan to be a righteous example to them because I know what they know of God, they learn from watching me. It's a big responsibility but I know I can handle it.

It's funny how some things you didn't plan for or even desire, can make your life so much more fulfilling. I have a purpose through my sons; to love them as God loves me.

Be empowered to prosper through Christ.

I got a call from my girl Kenya tonight and it is always a pleasure to speak with her. You know the one who lives in Brooklyn, going after her fashion design career. Well, we got to talking about so many different things one of them being perspective.

As a journalist I realize that almost everyone is critical of the media. They say we like to sensationalize and only show one point of view. Well, I'm sorry to tell you but that is our job. We paint the picture of events according to our own PERSPECTIVE, how we felt, how we saw it and that's all you can expect from us.

Yes, there are those big wigs out there who control the money and can decide what information the public needs to know based on their own agendas, but for the most part all we're doing is telling you a story based on what we experienced and everything should always be taken with a grain of salt.

Even on my weblog, I tell a story or give my take on things. It's MY OPINION. It's not necessarily fact or written in stone. My emotions may sometimes cloud what actually happened and push me to insert more of my heartache or joy or whatever.

Even as I was doing research I was getting pretty excited because I was taking my findings as truth. But just like I have my space on the internet, any fool can have theirs too. So just because someone posts something on the net or you read about it in the paper doesnt mean it should be taken to heart. You have to step back and recognize that the writer is human and is fallible.

Kenya gave an example of something as simple as Penicillin. For some Penicillin may be the thing to change their life. For another who has an allergy it could be death to them. Just because I can't take it doesn't mean you shouldnt. You have to figure out the truth for yourself.

Most people only tell you what they want you to know. I try to be more transparent and allow you to see what's really in my heart, but at any given moment I can decide that I want you to see me in a certain way and I have the skills necessary to make it happen. You don't know exactly what's going on in my head unless I tell you and even then I can choose not to tell the whole story.

I'm not telling you not to trust me or the media because there are writers out there who make it a point to be as factual and accurate as they can. Just understand that just like you may have a motive behind your actions or words, most people do too.

Never take someone's opinion as the word of the Lord. Never try to force yourself to conform to what others believe to be true. Seek the truth for yourself and do what I do when I read; I enjoy the writing for the pure art of it.

I always say, it doesnt matter what you say, it's how you say it. An effective communicator grabs people's attention and holds it long enough to plant some seed. Whether they are saying anything worth listening to is besides the point. Even though entertainers like Eminem are projecting a worthless message, I have to give the man props for being talented enough to get people to listen. Take that same talent and drive and arm Him with the word of the Lord and just imagine what he can do for God's kingdom.

And if you are a writer out there I challenge you tonight. I challenge you to take control over your gift and give the people the truth according to how you saw it and to uplift, not degrade or manipulate your readers. When you write you should want readers to come away from your piece, informed and thoughtful.

We inform. You decide.

Lazy bum.

I'm supposed to be packing and I put in a good hour worth of putting useless stuff in the garbage and then I.....lied down for just a minute, which turned into two hours and then, awww, it'll get done later.

I'm wearing my mu-mu. You know those dresses your grandma used to wear around the house that looked like a curtain, with those wild colors and big giant flowers all over them? Well, I got mine when I was pregnant and I still love it! Don't need underwear with this get-up, just float and be free. Easy breezy.

My mind is free... I'm forgiving myself for not forgiving myself. You feel me?

Everything is not as deep as our minds make it out to be. We sometimes create drama on our own when things are actually peachy keen. I think the key is to be satisfied with yourself, knowing you gave your best try and you did it with the right heart. If things didnt work out, ok. That's cool. Try something else. Life goes on and on and on.

Funny comment
In my time tutoring Anna on hooking up her blog, she says to me, "I thought html was an abbreviation for hotmail."

Wa,wa, waaah

Must be that kool-aid she be drinking.

I'm getting EXCITED cuz Mother's Day is coming! This is one of those days where I feel extra pretty and extra special. The daycare helps the kids make cards for me and ALL of my friends call me to honor me and I LOVE IT! I think I'm gonna take myself and my boys out to eat dinner. We havent been out in a while and we deserve a treat. I think I want some skrimps.

GOOD NEWS! GOOD NEWS!

I've got my first column assignment for the paper down in Miami. I have to counter another columnist who says kids (young girls) shouldn't have kids and if they are caught having sex or getting pregnant, they should be punished by having to wear a chastity belt or having their tubes tied. This is going to be fun.

I'll keep you updated.

Are you thankful?

The word that was given to me tonight was so powerful that I had to share it.

1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Since we have to believe that God is in control of our destiny then we have to know that any circumstance is all a part of God's will for our lives. Even when it is stressful or difficult there are lessons that we must learn before we can move on. God doesn't require works or sacrifice from us. He wants us to be thankful and believe in His son. Our salvation is not dependent upon our effort to please Him. I had to learn that the hard way.

Sometimes in my race to make Him proud of me I hinder myself because I consider my mistakes to be the end of everything good He has for me. But God is not caught up in my mistakes, He is more concerned with my ability to get back up and thank Him for getting me out of the mess I made.

So when I was in the job situation where I was unhappy, I made things even worse by focusing on the negative and not being thankful for the provision. My bills were paid. I could go to Walmart and enjoy myself. My sons didnt want for anything. But in my heart all I was feeling was, "This is not right. I could be doing so much more," which I do believe was my yearning to walk in my annointing but I never had any direction or inclination to change my situation. Yes God gave me the desire to write and uplift, but it wasn't my time to move into that yet and I made my days miserable because I was not thankful.

I could have made things a whole lot better during my season there if I would have steadily praised God for His provision while I waited for direction on my next move. God knows the desires of your heart and He is faithful to provide accordingly if you abide in Him and His word abides in you. So no matter where you are today, if you are faithfully seeking His face and considering Him in all of your decisions, each day you wake up is another step toward your destiny.

But when we forget to be thankful we open up the door for so much confusion to come in. Our ungratefulness leads to bitterness and even mistrust of God. We look at the current situation and think that it will last forever but it won't. There's more in Christ. There's more to life than our current circumstance.

Each situation should be seen as a step in a staircase. Without each step, the staircase will not stand. You are where you are because you need to be there to get to the next step. You are going through what you are going through because you need that lesson to help you through the next situation.

Will you get mad and hop over the railing because you can't see the top of the long winding staircase? Or will you continue to climb, trusting God totally with your path and enduring all to get to the door that will lead to your destiny?

Believe me, your path has already been laid out. Step by step He is directing you, just dont quit because you can't see why you have to take the long climb.

Just like pimping ain't easy, walking in God's light ain't easy. But who said your walk with Christ was going to be all rosey? You had to die to allow Jesus to come in and to continue to die to your own desires and flesh is to continue to allow more of Him in. "Not my will but your will be done, Lord."

When you gave your life to Christ you were so grateful for being chosen by Him and being forgiven. Never forget that. You were chosen by Him. You are forgiven.

Make an effort to live each day with a thankful heart. It lessens the stress and pleases God. And soon you will be able to look past the rickety step you are on and focus on the bigger picture which is the peace of God that awaits you as you allow Him to lead you into your personal heaven on earth.

Now go on and thank Him.

People raised their eyebrows when she decided to leave. Who in their right mind would leave a cushy job with the government making good money to pack up and move five hours away without even the promise of a concrete full-time job? But Ms. Tee had a vision and a passion that was burning in her heart. A passion to write and speak and uplift. Though she had no idea how she would accomplish her goals, she knew that it was now or never. If she didnt chase her dreams right now, she would forever regret her decision.

So she packed up her sons and moved back to her hometown of Miami, Florida, moved in with her Mom and did everything she could to write and get published. She got off to a slow start and was discouraged from time to time but she encouraged herself by reading magazines and books and challenging herself to be better than the writers she loved. Eventually she was noticed by a best-selling book author, who took her under his wings and taught her the business of getting paid to write. She went on to serve her community, spending countless hours speaking to young women and encouraging them to go for the gusto, to dream far beyond their neighborhood limits.

Today she is an accomplished author and motivational speaker. She and her husband Nick Cannon are raising their four sons in a small town near Miami, Florida. She gives all credit to Jesus for giving her the gift of communication and the heart not to stand still and take what life gives. To day we recognize Ms. Tee for not giving up, pressing forward and inspiring so many others to do the same.

This is my hope. This is my life's dream.

When I wake up in the morning all I want to do is write. All I fantasize about is inspiring people and being honest about my past mistakes and my struggles. All I want from you is to be open with yourself, to love yourself and to know that people love you and you deserve the best. I want all these things for you because I am searching for them myself.

Let's find self-love together.

Well. I finished my last day at The VA Medical Research Center.

Hooray!

No more research for me. Now that I'm done I look back and I see that I'm not going to miss that place at all and I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me next.

I made arrangements to cancel my phone and cable/dsl. I have to go get my old car fixed for my little sister since I'm giving it to her, she is paying for the repairs and I am flat broke. No more income for me until I receive my new job so it's going to be a little tight but we'll get through it.

Tomorrow I start packing and giving stuff away.

9 more days until I make that five hour one way trip to Miami.

My mama is so excited to be able to have her grandchildren near her and watch them grow. Their paternal grandmother lives in Miami too so she's ecstatic about them being around since she has no family left in Miami. My boys are going to be getting so much love and I can't imagine what it is going to be like to have so many people around who are going to want to come and get them. Both of their godmothers live there and they have so many cousins to play with.

I can imagine myself going to my cousin Shawn's house and saying, "Now ya'll go and play," while me and my cousins kick it on the porch and talk. Life is going to be so different.

So different.

After taking a breather and looking past my emotions to what I truly believe I must apologize for getting carried away about my church but my feelings are valid and still true to my heart.

I am an extremist, which means for me there is no gray area, only black and white. When I find something that I believe I am dogmatic about it to the point that I allow it to rule my life and I feel worthless if I can't stick to it. That is why my walk with God has been so rough. I believe Jesus Christ died for me and I believe He came to atone for the sin of the world so that we may be free from sin. We are not bound to sin. But one thing I'm missing is grace. Since I know that we are not bound to sin, if I commit ANY kind of sin or dont follow the WORD to the letter, I think that I am going to miss out on every blessing ever promised to me, FOR LIFE. Yeah I know, thats extreme, but that's how I am.

So I find a church home with AMAZING word and lots of people who look like they love each other and a systematic way of doing things. Like the extremist that I am, I don't leave room for error and I grab hold to what they are saying and try to fashion myself to become everything that they say I should be. My heart is after God and I want to please Him and I feel that by obeying them I please Him. When everything doesn't line up the way I feel it should, like not being able to experience what my Pastor says I should feel about family I go into self-condemnation and depression.

There are a lot of great things going on there and I never gave myself room for error in that this church may not be the place for me. I felt like God sent me there and these people look happy so I should be able to conform to whatever they are teaching and be like them. Since I couldnt get my feelings where I thought they should be, I felt like I was disappointing God.

The crazy thing is, I realize my part in the madness. I was too eager. Too obedient. I didnt look at my Pastors as people, but as keyholders to my future. I gave everything in me over to them for their guidance; my hopes, my fears, my insecurites and my faults. They worked with me as best as they could. They loved on me as best as they could but I still wasn't feeling like I thought I should be feeling and I felt like I was a dissappointment to them and to God.

While everyone in my town has something to say about my church, from what I see, the ppl there want to be there. They experience joy, family, abundance and pleasure from serving in the house of God. I havent heard of anyone who feels the way I do because if they did they would have left. Why couldnt I just stand up and say, "Naw, this doesnt feel right, let me bounce." and be done with it? I felt like I was a failure because things didnt work out, but things dont work out 100% of the time.

The ability to acknowledge your mistake and make the move to correct it is the important thing. In this walk with Christ we always want God to direct us and we try to become better at discerning whether it is Him or its just our desires. There is room for confusion in this walk. There is room for mistakes. God allows us a couple of 'Oops' even when people like me don't allow them for ourselves.

The hurt, the perception, the madness all started in MY HEAD. Yeah, I'm sure there are some things that could be changed about the church, but the same could be said about any church.

The root of it all is recognizing the good in it. Even if I didn't seem to fit in, I have to recognize the God in it. I recognize God in my church, the heailing word, the accessibility to Pastors. Where else am I going to find that? Most Pastors are too busy to sit down and talk with a member about their personal issues.

Dang, as much as I felt like I wasn't a part of the family. I realize that I am going to miss it. So here I go, off to Miami to start all over again. I hope I find a church that's willing to work with a nutcase like me. Cuz here, they embraced me like I was their child and dealt with my insanity and broken heart and depression like it was their own issue.

These people loved me like God would love me. They showed the heart of God by accepting me and embracing me.

I'm very thankful for that. Thank you Lord for showing me what I gained instead of what I didnt get right.

Here's a good analysis of how I deal in relationships?

I can't sleep so you get a story. Lucky you.

When I was in Miami last I told you all about my job hunt and my being blessed with a new car, but I didnt mention the other reason why I went down there; my grandmother's funeral

So you all know my biological father's name is Russell and I dont know him well but I dont hate him anymore, he's just a little weird to me. It's like going to McDonald's and someone pointing at the cashier and saying, "This is your father, now go and learn to love him." Plus I think he's weird so it's like, ughh. I thought my daddy would be cooler than that.

They left on Friday for the funeral which was held in Clewiston Florida. I didnt go because I didnt want to spend my Friday night preparing for a funeral when I could be hanging out in Miami with Anna.

I drove up there on Saturday and arrived just as the funeral started. It was weird sitting there with all of these ppl that I didnt know, at the lowest point in their lives. And Russell's mom who had died, I had never even met her before. So during the funeral Im sitting there and my mind is going crazy watching my brothers cry and Russell cry and feeling like, "what have I gotten myself into."

During the funeral I started thinking about all of the changes that have been made in my life. All of the "deaths" of the past like Ruby moving away and Mimi getting married and Racole going to California and me finishing school and moving back to Miami. Nothing is the same anymore and I'm uncertain what the future will bring and that makes me very nervous.

So I'm in the funeral crying over my life's "deaths" while everyone else is crying because they miss my grandmother.

After the funeral I realize just how off the chain they all are. Now these are my blood relatives and i'm standing there like, "Okkkk."

They all stand in front of the casket to take pictures. Well, I havent been to a funeral in over 12 years but that seems so weird to me.

The amazing thing that blew my mind was that everyone there looked like me. In my Mama's family, only she and I look alike, but in Russell's family, they are all light skinned with round noses and some even have my green eyes. One little boy named Brandon, who turned out to be my cousin, looks EXACTLY like me. I was amazed but they weren't. All of the girl cousins and everyone kept looking me up and down and saying, "Yep, she's one of us." which didn't sit too right with me because I didn't know if I actually wanted that label.

But overall they were like any other black family, lots of kids and old men drinking, old aunties making sexual jokes like they havent gone through menopause yet. I left that same afternoon with my sister Virtress. I dont think we look alike but everyone else does. She seems like a very sweet girl but I'm anticipating the typical sister-type relationship that I have with my lil sister Teenie and my friend Anna.

I came back to Miami dead tired and emotionally exhausted so I couldnt even go out on Saturday night. I just went to sleep.

Maybe after all this writing I can do the same now. I've been so exhausted from work although I dont do anything physical. I was in the bed by 9pm tonight, knocked out until I had a dream that I was being brainwashed by a cult and I couldnt run.

Most everyone is nervous for me about moving to Miami with no job. Well, all my guy friends are. My baby daddy isn't, at least he hasn't mentioned it to me. I think Russell is nervous too, asking me if I had to rush and move like that.

I did. I saw my financial situation getting tighter and I had to make that move now, or else I would have been bound to this job that I have to make myself go to everyday.

My friend Rick advised me to MAKE myself like my job. He hates his job but he's almost making six figures and he doesn't think that liking your job is important if you are able to provide for your family. I think this comes from being brought up poor and vowing to never do that to yourself or your children. Most men I know who grew up without their wants are adamant about making paper. I think that's why my baby daddy has 3 degrees and practices law; he knew he could make some cheese.

But I believe if you have a passion for something, you can make some money by doing it, but I realize that you have to have some support. Not just verbal support, financial support. So when my sons are older I promise to be financially stable enough so that they can do what they WANT to do in life, not just have to work because they have to pay the bills. I am going to build an inheritance for them, spiritually and financially. I dont want them to go through what I have gone through having to be miserable in the workplace and in bondage because they have bills to pay.

Yeah, I'm changing my children's future by my choices today. I choose to be receive salvation. I choose to walk in my annointing. I choose to listen to the gentle urging of the Holy Spirit as He directs me even if ppl dont agree.

You know how I know God told me to move? I have peace about it. When I think about staying here I have anxiety and feel pressured and depressed. The only reason I considered staying was because I didnt want to displease my Pastor. Thats not good enough.

I'm so glad I woke up. All of this pressure about the "family" of God being only here at this church was a weight on my shoulders since in my heart I didnt agree. I felt like something was really wrong with me because i wasnt going along with the group. I was told that my heart was "wicked" and "disgusting" when I said I just wasn't feeling interested in getting to know these ppl like that.

I think I was supposed to be scared into staying. It almost worked too.

Almost.

My sons hurt my feelings tonight.

I was on the phone listening to the latest chapter in Tamara's dating saga when I smelled something funny. I turned around and my boys had gotten into my makeup stash, the stuff I keep around just in case other girls need some emergency fix-up. They had poured out lotions and liquid foundation ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR.

When they saw my face they BOLTED into their bedroom, screaming all the way.

I walked calmly behind them and stood over the bed where they sat hiding beneath the covers, cowering and crying. I placed both hands on my hips and just glared at them which made them cry even harder while my son apologized over and over.

They were screaming like I was Medusa or something. I wondered what they were screaming like that for since I hadnt even spanked their butts yet. They looked so terrified that my feelings were hurt.

I'm not a monster. I dont kill them everytime they do something wrong but these boys fear me like no one else. They hate to dissappoint me. Sometimes when my older son Sai is acting up I will just lean over and whisper, "You're disappointing me Sai." and he will start crying and apologizing and that will be that.

I dont even have to touch them but dang it makes me feel like a brute sometimes the way they are so afraid of me. I'm a gentle loving lamb with oodles of cuddles and kisses.

I'm not mean.

Venting is always refreshing but REJOICING is always better!

I got a little down today when I realized that God is showing me some wrong decisions that I made but I know that I'm getting back on track and I can't allow myself to fall into condemnation because I was doing things with the best of intentions and my heart was right.

So, things went way wrong in my church, that's okay. I just wanted more from God and I believed that was where I would get it. It's nothing to fall out about. Sometimes things don't go as you plan them and as long as you try again, you're right where God wants you to be. I do appreciate all that I have learned in the past two years. There are some foundational truths that will stay with me always and some other beliefs that I hope to be freed from soon.

I met some great people like my Pastor and my covenant group leaders and a few others who were bold enough to be honest about their walk with God. I really appreciate the brothers at my church. Man, you know that funny feeling you get when you visit a church? You know, when you can tell the guys are checking you out and putting on a show to get you to become attracted to them? Well, when I went to church I could totally relax and not worry at all about any of the guys there trying to holla at me. And its not cuz Im ugly, cuz Im not. It's because (I hope) they saw me as a sister in Christ and they didnt want to disrespect me.

I am really going to miss that feeling of being free with guys without worrying about them trying to hit.

I'm getting excited because Ruby is officially out of here which means my turn is next. In three days I will be done with my job (no I still dont have another one lined up I just gotta have faith) and I start packing up my apartment to return to the MIA.

You know, sometimes all it takes is a solid decision to do something before you are set free. Sometimes you want to make a move but your thoughts are consumed by what everyone else's opinion will be that you can't see the answer staring you in the face. You will sit idly by watching everyone else accomplish their vision and wonder what happened to yours.

Don't do that. Go for yours. Don't be scurred. God's got your back. Even if you make a mistake, which you probably won't if you are considering God in all your decisions and asking for His direction, God is well able to re-direct you. One mistake will not totally derail His plan for your life.

I realized that my mind set was all wrong about a lot of things. I have to be faithful to get my mind right again, through the renewing of my mind uninterrupted by the opinions of others.

You have YOUR life to live, not someone else's. YOUR vision to carry, not someone else's.

MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Trying to Understand

I could never understand why I loved my church so much and why I felt so joined to my Pastor but not the "family" that they have there.

I always thought I was being obstinate and being judgemental and stuck up because I really wasn't feeling any of the women there on a social level. As time went on my feelings remained the same. I knew there was something different about me. I knew I didnt fit in. But I just looked at my life and realized that there were several instances where this happened and usually it was those times when I felt like I was socially obligated, like with my sorority.

Now I absolutely adore my sorority sisters. The majority of my friends are women I met through my sorority but when I was back in it, I felt so distant from them because I didnt feel like I had chosen them as friends, I felt obligated to hang out and this irritated me. Mimi, who is also my sorority sister once told me that I like to define my relationships, meaning I like to determine how close I am to someone. Once I had outgrown my duties to my sorority, I got to know my sisters individually and by choice and it amazed me what wonderful women they were and how much we really had in common. I couldnt see that before because I was fighting against the feeling of being OBLIGATED to be friends. I began to love them and feel joined to them because of our commitment as sisters and my genuine love for who they were.

So I figured as time went on the same would happen for the ppl at my church. It didn't. In fact I felt more and more pressure to drop my friends and make new ones at my church. Like my own friends weren't good enough to please my Pastor. My Pastor even picked out a girl for me to be friends with. I would call her because he asked me to. I just did it out of obedience. I never grew to be interested in her at all and I felt like something was wrong with me because of that. Like I'm some kind of evil person because I wasnt interested in hanging out with her. I wanted so badly to show him that I was submissive but my heart wasn't really in it. I ended up hurting that girls feelings one day when she came over without calling me and I didnt even answer the door.

I'm sitting here trying to sort out the feelings in my heart because sometimes I wonder if I am making excuses not to take the hard road and stay up here in Gainesville. I just want to be right by God. But then I think of how being here makes me feel. Well, how being in my church makes me feel. The word is sooo good, it's GREAT! But I feel like I dont have control over my own life. I feel like I'm constantly trying to prove myself to my Pastors and that they are never pleased with me.

I feel like I am being asked to choose them over my own friends and family. Like there is not enough room for both sets of people. Being told that I'm "fresh off the altar" over and over again and treated like I can't do anything by myself doesnt help. As much as I have to offer, I guess my Pastors don't think I'm worthy to even serve in the church. All I wanted to do was get involved and feel like I have a place, like I have some value.

It's very easy for me to walk away from my church because I'm not walking away from any responsibilities. I'm not walking away from any friends. I'm not walking away from anything except the best word and wisdom I've ever heard in my life and a feeling of extreme bondage and never being quite right for the crowd.

It's sad but I was sitting here this whole time thinking that my destiny was tied to this church and my Pastor. That if I tried hard and did everything he said eventually he would be satisfied with me and say that I'm worthy to serve in his ministry. I was waiting on him to tell me what I needed to do to jumpstart my career. I felt like by maybe one day helping to make his vision come to pass, I would achieve my vision for my life.

I know my Pastor loves me. He has to or else he wouldnt have put so much time into talking to me and ministering to me. I just wish he would have shown it a little more by acknowledging my growth. Everytime I got a call from him I was afraid because Pastors don't call you for anything good. I just knew I had messed up and he was about to correct me.

I came to feel like my Pastor was there only to correct me. I even asked him one time if he was there to challenge me and he said that when God is shaping his child, once he gets one part right He doesnt sit there and admire that part all day, He moves onto the next rough part and that is what he was doing with me. But once, just once, i would have liked to hear, "Good job."

My covenant group leaders would tell me that my Pastor loved me so much and I was shocked. He never showed that side to me and I couldnt imagine what he could be saying about me that was good. He only took time out to guide me and correct me, never celebrating me.

Again, I associated criticism and guidance with love. That's how it has always been with me and men. Those who say they love me the most somehow assume the role of shaping me into who they think I should be. I try to sit and be that clay, loosen myself to their touch, but I never come out right and they never quit working on me.

I dont blame my Pastor or my church for what happened. I just thank God for waking me up before I got worse. I was totally looking to my Pastors for affirmation, which I never got and it made me feel very unsuccessful. I felt like they were the drivers in my destiny and I could not accomplish anything until they thought I was ready.

That hurts me. Am I to constantly sit and fret over what they are thinking of me? Am I to constantly wonder when my Pastor would think I was worthy enough to serve in his ministry or when he would direct me to become the writer and leader that I know I am?

I know this all sounds crazy but for the past two years this is the life I have lived at my church. A life of fear of not being good enough for them. A life of self condemnation because I could not feel joined to the people at my church. A life of self doubt, thinking that I must not be as talented as I think I am or else my Pastor would want me to serve. I havent made any progress in my Pastors eyes because if its not one thing, it's something else I need to work on.

I felt like a loser the whole time. Like everyone else is "getting it" but I'm not and something must be wrong with me. My head is so messed up right now. I never thought I would feel like this.

Well, one thing I have just learned. Since Holy Spirit resides in me, my feelings of not being joined and not feeling comfortable shouldnt automatically be branded as THE ENEMY. It very well could be God making His move and pushing me out of this situation and into the place where He wants me to grow.


I'm still learning and I pray to God that He will help me to move on.